


Oh, my worst emotions.

by carefulfleshgnawer



Category: Ao no Exorcist | Blue Exorcist
Genre: Crying, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, a brief but graphic description of a non-invasive medical procedure, getting physically hurt (but it was an accident), petting some cats for comfort, the shimas' not-quite-perfect family life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-19
Updated: 2020-07-19
Packaged: 2021-03-05 06:00:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,556
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25379539
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carefulfleshgnawer/pseuds/carefulfleshgnawer
Summary: Some people are like pools, calm, clear and what-you-see-is-what-you-get. Renzou is more of an underwater abyss - you think you know what's going on, but you have no idea about what things swim deep below the surface. Not necessarily terrible or scary, but definitely unpredictable and hard to understand.
Comments: 14
Kudos: 49





	Oh, my worst emotions.

**Author's Note:**

> Started with a prompt of "resentment", so it's like. Loosely based around that.
> 
> I'd like to disclaim at the beginning that I do like Renzou's brothers and so, but I really don't think that their family is too good at taking care of each other's emotions and are prone to foot-in-mouth syndrome, which leads to frequent squabbles and so. And Yaozou definitely plays favourites. However, I tried not to demonize anyone here, so please don't hate on them 😔
> 
> I like to think I tagged the potential triggers here but if you feel I should add smth, please let me know! Same goes if you have any critique - I'd love to hear it if anyone has suggestions or if you see a typo I missed haha
> 
> Now, I might come around to doing a few other emotions in a similar manner if I get inspired, but I make no promises. (if i do, the tags will change/be added to)

**RESENTMENT /rəˈzentmənt/  
NOUN.**

  1. **the feeling of displeasure or indignation at some act, remark, person, etc., regarded as causing injury or insult;**
  2. **bitter indignation at having been treated unfairly. “ _Indignation and resentment were good things to stiffen a man's back._ ”**



It’s a day like any other. School is out so instead of rising early for class, Renzou rises early for training… or rather, he rises early to _escape_ training. The sun is just peeking over the horizon and in through the shoji. Any second now his brothers will wake up. He needs to be quick about this.

Renzou dresses, quiet as a leaf falling. He’s out of the house before anyone else stirs. The grass is still wet with dew and the morning air is moist and cool as he inhales it. He makes his way over the grounds, not bothering to hide - there is no one to see him. He’s heading towards the forest.

He’d found a spot recently - a large rock that was bathed in sunlight from sunrise to afternoon. The surface of it was surprisingly comfortable to lounge on, and it was hard to see from any of the paths and thus a pretty good hiding spot.

But of course the best bit is - no one from his family thinks to search for him in the forest. He hadn’t been too keen on coming at first, but as they rooted out his hiding spots in-house, desperation had pushed him off the Myou Dha grounds and into new territory.

The rock isn’t as comfortable as the covered couch in one of the storage rooms, nor as warm as the rafters in the Inn building, but it’s safe from his brothers and… father.

Renzou frowns deeply as he scales the rock now, reminded, as usual, of what exactly it is that he’s hiding _from_.

Father’s disappointed scowl surfaces in his mind’s eye. _Why can you not do this?_ A voice in his memory asks, full of frustration. _What exactly don’t you understand? I’ve shown you the form a thousand times now, Renzou. You’ve repeated the chant word for word. Why can’t you just do it? It’s not hard, it can’t be, Takezou got it right on his first attempt. For you, it’s been weeks and you still-_

He shakes his head, trying to dislodge the memory. How helpless and useless he feels whenever he stands upon the training mats. How much father’s words scathe his soul. How much summoning the familiar he’s inherited _hurts_ and how _scary_ it’s voice is whenever it -

It belittles him just like father does. Just like his brothers do. No good. A poor excuse - a bad joke of a fighter. It’s not his fault; he did not want this - it was thrust upon him. A terrible heirloom. Heavier than the brassy khakkara or any of the training weights. Heavier still than the guilt he feels whenever he hides and shirks his duties, his _responsibilities._

He places an arm over his eyes and closes them. They won’t leak tears if they’re closed. He can’t cry if he’s asleep. That’s why he comes here - to sleep until the hunger wakes him up and he’s forced to go back home. 

But for now, he does his best to push the heavy thoughts from his mind. Look now- the first rays of sun come and wash over him. He imagines they burn away the ugly emotions and thoughts raging within him. He imagines they wash away any and all tendrils of black fire - icy cold and numbing - left over from yesterday (the numbness hardly ever fades now, with how hard he’s been going at it since break started, not that anyone _cares_ ). 

For a few hours now, he can pretend that he can do what he wants without fear of scolding or exhaustive drills. For a few hours, he can pretend he isn’t miserable with his life. 

He shifts the arm a little and opens his eye just a crack. The sky is beautiful, just a little sliver of golden left over around the edges, rapidly turning blue. The clouds roll by languidly.

Renzou wonders what it’s like to be a mass of fumes being corralled around by wind up in the sky. Must be nice having no brain, no thoughts, no… other things. He sighs. His mind just wants to mull over painful things today, doesn’t it?

He turns on his side instead, uses his arm as a pillow. Wills himself to just… let go for now. All that stuff, it’ll come back whether he likes it or not, so he should just forget while he can. Sleep it away until he _can’t_.

Renzou closes his eyes.

\---

“-ke up. Shima-san! Do you hear me? Wake up!” A voice cuts through the strange dream Renzou is having. He rolls over, trying to understand where it’s coming from.

“Shima-san!” it calls out again. Renzou opens his eyes to Konekomaru standing by the rock, looking at him with worry. Oh, right… the other boy had seen him sneaking back the other day… he must have been looking through the forest for Renzou.

A sudden jolt of fear spears through him. Renzou sits up and looks around wildly. Does anyone else-

“I came here alone,” Konekomaru says as if reading his mind,”and I didn’t tell your family where I was going. But they’re very worried.” His face is all twisted up. Worry? Sympathy? Renzou isn’t sure what it is.

“You should go back,” the boy says, and Renzou turns to him with a deep frown, which seems to surprise Konekomaru.

“Shima-san, did...” he seems to mull his words over, “did something happen? Did you fight with your dad again?” 

Renzou looks at the sky briefly and finds that the sun isn’t too high up. He wishes he were still deep in the oblivion of sleep. But here’s Konekomaru, bringing back all those thoughts he’d been set on avoiding.

Renzou sighs. There’s just no escaping, is there? No matter what he does or where he goes. “Nah, we didn’t fight or anything like that...” he turns away, not wanting to look his friend in the eye, “ just wanted to get away for a bit. Get some fresh air.”

He can hear the frown in Konekomaru’s voice when he next speaks, “You’ve been getting away an awful lot lately.”

Renzou sniffs, “You’re exaggerating there, it can’t be that much.”

“You know they make a terrible racket every time they look for you, right? Kinzou-san runs through the grounds screaming your name. Not to mention they ask me and Bon…" there's an ugly pause, "Say, Shima-san, what is it really?”

Renzou finds his expression souring further, “It’s not as much a fight as… everything,” he says cryptically. He’s not really supposed to talk about the details of the training; and it’s hard to put into words how and what he feels. He doesn’t want to put it into words, really. His misgivings are all just another flaw he has. The… bad things he feels are a weakness of his own character. His fault. What good will talking about it do?

“Everything?” Konekomaru asks, befuddled, “You mean the training…” he fumbles, because he doesn’t _know_ , ”...and stuff? It can’t be that bad. Are you sure it’s not just that you don’t want to do it?”

Renzou scowls down at his friend. He knows that his friend is right to an extent, but… but… 

Why is no-one ever on his side? 

Why is his family always in the right? Why can’t he want a break from it all? Why won’t anyone _listen_? 

“Of course I don’t want to do it...” he mutters angrily, barely loud enough for the other to hear, “I, uh… I can’t give you the details, but it’s not like regular training. It’s way worse, and it’s scary, and- and father… he’s not a very sympathetic teacher.”

Out of the corner of his eye he sees Konekomaru’s expression darken. “Why can’t you give me the details? What exactly do they make you do?”

He looks down at Konekomaru with a cold and sad expression. “It’s a secret of the house of Shima.”

“I see...” Konekomaru says, averting his gaze.

Renzou can tell that his words must have stung. He knows Konekomaru feels left out as it is, what with Bon going off to who knows where, and Renzou sneaking off or in long training sessions. They’re not spending as much time together as they used to. Not talking to each other as much as they used to.

“I’d tell you if I could, I swear,” he finds himself saying, and he’s not sure if it’s the truth or a lie. But something in the line of Konekomaru’s shoulders relaxes, so it must have been the right thing to say. “You’ll know when my training is over,” he adds, and the words are bitter. However long that might take. If he doesn’t run away before then.

Konekomaru looks up with a slight smile, though his eyes are still full of worry, “Alright, Shima-san.” He looks out towards the temple, where the faint echoes of Kinzou’s voice are coming from. He seems to ponder for a moment, before saying, “I won’t tell them about this place. However, please don’t hide for too long, okay? I think they’ll only get angrier, and go harder on you when you do show up...”

Renzou hums in agreement. He knows that. Oh, he knows too well. Kinzou dragged him to father in a choke-hold the other day, which wasn’t too fun.

“Thank you, Koneko-chan,” he says in return, grateful.

The other nods before walking away, picking his way through the branches back to the grounds. Renzou lies down again, but he knows he won’t fall asleep a second time.

Still, he tosses and turns with misplaced hope. And then he lies still with his eyes closed, because maybe the soothing sound of the wind whispering through the leaves will lull him… but no such luck. His frustration only grows.

“Fuck,” he says to no one in particular. If father heard him cuss, he’d be in big trouble, but there’s no one to hear it so it’s fine.

Eventually he gives up and hops off the rock to start his trek back. He still drags his feet, not wanting to get there too quick.

He gets as far as the inner border of the little vegetable garden they have when he hears rapidly approaching footsteps. He just barely has enough time to turn to see - Kinzou running towards him.

Renzou finds himself crashing to the ground painfully. He ends up biting his tongue. He feels something _pop_.

“You little shit!” Kinzou yells, so angry that his voice cracks, “Where the hell have you been?! Do you have any idea how pissed off father is?!” He shakes Renzou as he screams. The volume is deafening.

Renzou tastes blood in his mouth - great! His mood fouls further. He’s gonna be covered in bruises. Kinzou and his lack of brain really tick him off sometimes.

“Kin-nii, get _off_!” he manages to spit out, wiggling in his brother’s grip.

“Ohoho- no! If I let you go now, you’ll run off again! We’ve been looking for you for hours, asshole! Father’s been chewing us out for letting you sneak off again! Ya think we have nothing better to do, huh?” He jostles Renzou roughly at the last question.

“God, cry me a river!” Renzou spits back, irritation rising to new and unfound heights. He struggles more violently. “Get! Off!” He manages to maneuver his leg into a kick that sends Kinzou off for a moment and scrambles to get up-

Only to be slammed back down, face-first in the dirt. Kinzou pins him with a knee on his back and twists his arm behind him painfully.

“Let go!” Renzou yelps.

“No! I’m gonna keep you here until Juuzou or father get here to make sure you actually go to training, because I know you won’t listen to me! And I don’t want more trouble than I’m already in, all thanks to you, by the way!” he twists the arm further and- and that really hurts! Renzou lets out another pained yelp as his tendons strain.

“Ugh alright, just! My arm!” he manages.

But Kinzou doesn’t listen. Instead, he calls out for father and Juuzou to get here.

“Kin-nii! My arm!” Renzou tries again.

“That’s my insurance that you won’t pull anything, you sneaky little gremlin! Shut it!”

“God- ow! Why are you such a dick?!” Renzou bites out.

He hears his brother gasp. “Did you just cuss at me? That’s it!” He wrenches the arm in his grip further and Renzou’s mind just _._ Blanks out with how much it _hurts._

His body jerks reflexively and - oh boy is that just the wrong thing at the wrong time! Something in his shoulder _snaps._

Renzou howls in pain. He doesn’t really feel the way Kinzou lets go _immediately_ , or the other’s worried - “oh my god, oh my god, Renzou, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, fuck-” - but he does curl up protectively around the limb once Kinzou gets off of him.

Things escalate quickly from there. Father and Juuzou show up at the same time and father starts barking questions. Kinzou, for what it’s worth, owns up to it and apologises on his knees - to father, not Renzou, funny enough (or it would be funny if Renzou could think past the terrible _pain_ ).

Juuzou comes and helps Renzou sit up, though Renzou hisses violently when the other jostles his shoulder.

“We’ll need a doctor to look at that,” he says, slow and serious.

“Ha, ya fuckin’ think?” Renzou bites back through grit teeth.

“Renzou!” father admonishes, “watch your language!”

“Wha- no! That’s bullshit! He-” he points at Kinzou’s still-bowing form with his good arm, “-totally went too far! He broke my arm!”

“I really don’t think it’s broken, Renzou,” Juuzou pipes up, a tad exasperated, “just dislocated.”

Renzou turns around on him, face full of _rage_.

“How about I ‘ _just dislocate_ ’ yours?!” he seethes, struggling to get up.

“Oh, hey! That’s not what I meant-” Juuzou starts, but Renzou is already up and stomping off.

“Renzou! Get back here!” father commands, but Renzou ignores it. He’s had enough of this. He’s in shit when he sneaks off, he’s in shit when he comes back. He shouldn’t have listened to Konekomaru. He should have run away _for good_.

He walks, and each step sends a jolt of pain through him and it- it’s just all so terrible. He’s not even sure if he’s more angry or hurt.

“-nzou! Renzou!” the voice of his father approaches quickly, “Look at me when I’m talking to you!” he grabs Renzou by the shoulder (the good one), spins him around.

Renzou looks down at the ground, seeming like he wants to burst out again, but holds his tongue.

“Renzou, just what happened here!” Yaozou demands, “And where did you sneak off to again? You can’t keep doing this! Your training-”

“It’s not like I can train now anyways!” Renzou _interrupts_. He shrinks back immediately, realising what he’d done.

Yaozou is stunned for a second. Renzou quickly tries to explain, “I’m sorry, but- it’s just- my arm, and Kinzou, and he- my arm-” he stammers, so unlike himself.

“That would not have happened if you just came to training like you’re supposed to!” Yaozou says, little more emphatically than necessary.

Hot anger and shame crawl up Renzou’s neck and stain his face red. 

Seriously? 

“You mean- You mean that you think that makes it _okay_?”

Father pauses, “... I suppose not, but-”

“What do you mean ‘ _but_ ’? It’s not okay and that’s it! Why do you always do this?” his voice shakes and breaks, ” I would have went with him if he’d just gotten his stupid ass off me! He didn’t have to pin me down! He didn’t have to twist my arm!” Renzou shrugs father’s arm off his shoulder.

The arm stays in the air, as if father hasn’t really comprehended that it’s been brushed off. He’s looking less calm now at his son’s distress, “I know, Renzou, but-”

“No,” Renzou says, “just shut up!” He turns around again and _runs._ Leaves his brothers and father standing there speechless and at a loss of what to do.

\--

Running hurts more than walking. A _lot_ more. But Renzou grits his teeth and does it anyways, because if he doesn’t - 

It would escalate again. Father would yell, and his brothers would of course side against Renzou. He doesn’t want that. He couldn’t handle that. Not right now.

Already, his eyes are blurring no matter how hard he blinks the tears away and his face still feels hot and he feels _bad_ and _hurt_ and-

Renzou hates this day so much. He sobs, unable to keep it in. It’s all terrible. He hates them. He hates Kinzou and Juuzou and Father and everyone else in the Myou Dha. He hates them so much. They’re so unfair! He always feels like dirt next to them. Worse than dirt, even. He feels like- like a _worm_.

He stops a good distance away, suddenly dead tired. His lip wobbles as the big fat stupid tears roll down his face. His shoulder hurts. But… the reactions of his family hurt more. Do they… just not care? They’re so set on being angry with him that they don’t care that he’s hurt? His heart feels like a shriveled up, dried out thing. Like it’s about to break into pieces and stab through his lungs.

He wipes at the tears uselessly with his good hand. But he can’t stop sniffling, can’t stop the way his breath keeps catching on every other sob.

He isn’t sure where to go now. He doesn’t want to make his way back to the rock like this. Instead he heads out a bit further and crawls under the engawa of one of the less-frequented storage houses. He used to come here when he was younger a lot more, but then his family had caught on and he’d found a new hiding spot. But it’s been a few years since that, so he thinks this won’t be the first place they look.

He curls up as small as he can on the gravel, leaning against one of the support poles. And then, because he can’t shove the emotions back down inside him, he _cries._

Renzou has heard that crying supposedly makes you feel better. That letting it out is good for you. He doesn’t feel better as he sobs. He feels worse. He feels raw and oversensitive. He feels like he would do anything just to not feel like this.

An indeterminable amount of time passes during which the flood of tears lessens to a trickle. Renzou spends this time in a blurry, miserable and painful haze.

Then, he hears footsteps. Slow and cautious ones. As if on instinct, Renzou freezes and changes his breathing so as to make as little noise as possible. Perhaps whoever it is hadn’t heard-

The legs come into view and stop… not exactly in front of him, but near enough that Renzou knows that he’s been found. He holds his breath now, full of anxiety.

Then the person leans down to peer under the engawa and-

It’s Konekomaru. His face is tight with worry and his eyes are full of sympathy.

“Shima-san...” he starts, but stops. Renzou wonders how much of his splotchy, sticky face is visible in the shadows of his hiding spot. Konekomaru seems to weigh his next words carefully. “Hey, I heard what happened,” he says in a soft, pitying voice.

“Yeah...” Renzou responds, his voice hoarse and scratchy, “it’s… a bit of a mess.”

There’s a heavy pause.

“Do you want to come out?” Konekomaru probes gently.

“I’d rather not,” Renzou replies weakly.

“You know they’ll find you eventually if you stay here, right?” Konekomaru asks.

Renzou sniffles, wipes furiously at his eyes in an attempt to get them dry, “...yeah.”

“Come with me then, I have an idea,” Konekomaru says before straightening up and, presumably, waiting for Renzou to crawl out.

Which he does after a bit of thought. It’s as Konekomaru says - his family knows about this place. If they’re looking, they’ll check here eventually.

He’s self-conscious of how he looks right now - his eyes must be puffy as hell and his breath still hitches with the occasional tiny sob - and avoids eye contact as he unfurls from his crouching position. Thankfully, Konekomaru is looking the other way with a blank expression. Renzou is sure it’s on purpose.

“So, uh,” he starts, but has to clear his throat when the words come out all gurgly, “what’s this idea?” He’s trying to sound nonchalant. He’s trying to act like usual.

(He’s not succeeding.)

Konekomaru looks at him for just a second with a small sympathetic smile, “Come with me and find out.”

Renzou has to admit that his interest is piqued. They sneak across the grounds and eventually leave them, heading in the direction of- Renzou isn’t sure what. He hasn’t come this way as far as he can remember. But the walking gives him some time to compose himself.

“My, my, Koneko-chan,” Renzou says as they turn an alley, “wherever are you taking me?” he almost sounds like himself just then.

“I, uh,” Koneko says shyly, rubbing at the back of his neck, “I like coming here. I think you’ll like it too.”

Just then they enter what appears to be a backyard. Renzou freezes up, feeling like they’re trespassing. 

“Are you sure we’re allowed to be here?” he asks, half worried and half impressed.

“Yes, I have an understanding with the owner,” Konekomaru chirps. He seems to be looking around the clearing for something.

Renzou eyes the door to a house balefully, but he finds that he trusts Konekomaru. “If you say so...”

“Ah~” Konekomaru says so suddenly that Renzou almost gets a heart-attack, whipping around to face the other boy, “There you are~” Konekomaru coos as he scoops up… a cat.

It’s a cute cat - fluffy and bright-eyed. It meows loudly at Konekomaru.

“Is that so?” the boy replies, “do tell me more!” The cat keeps meowing, and Konekomaru nods along as if it’s telling something very interesting.

Renzou looks at the display rather dumb-founded. He feels awkward and unsure what to do.

“Here,” Konekomaru says, suddenly right next to Renzou, and holds out the cat, which sniffs at Renzou’s surprised face curiously. Cautiously, he accepts the animal into his hold, and with some pointers from Konekomaru and a good amount of maneuvering, holds it safely with his good arm as the other hangs limply at his side. The cat sniffs at him a bit more and after a moment, starts purring.

Renzou stares down at the bundle in his arms with an awe-filled smile. He doesn’t see the way Konekomaru eyes his hurt arm with open worry before shaking his head and changing his expression.

“She’s a very nice and friendly cat,” Konekomaru tells him with a smile, “and her name is Miss Marshmallow.”

“Miss Marshmallow...” Renzou mouths in wonder. The cat looks up at him when hearing its name, and meows softly. Something in Renzou which had been knotted tightly until that moment releases. “She’s so cute,” he mutters quietly.

“Usually there are more cats here,” Konekomaru says, looking around again in case any other fluffy critters have shown up in the meantime. “The owner feeds them and lets them inside in the winter. She’s a nice older lady, we became friends thanks to our shared love for cats,” Konekomaru recounts with a smile.

Renzou has always known how much Konekomaru likes cats, but it’s the first time he’s hearing about a friend like this. His mouth feels a little dry but his words are genuine, “That’s so awesome, Koneko-chan!”

“I’m glad it could cheer you up at least a little,” Konekomaru admits with a warm smile.

Renzou feels a sudden knot in his throat, reminded of the dried, sticky tears on his face, the pain in his shoulder and arm, _his family_. But it feels further away with the purring cat in his arms. Like it can’t hurt him as much. He’s immensely thankful to Konekomaru for taking him here.

He feels his eyes sting again, moved. “Thank you,” he manages to choke out. Konekomaru looks at him, startled at the tone, but when he looks at Renzou’s face, his expression softens.

“It’s what friends are for, right?” he asks with a lovely smile. Then he seems to notice something behind Renzou, “Hey, come on, let’s sit down!”

Konekomaru leads them to sit down on the edge of a porch, and at that point Renzou notices that more cats have appeared. A pitch-black cat with green eyes sniffs at him. A chubby tabby settles in Konekomaru’s lap. 

It’s… nice. Very nice.

“So, Shima-san… what happened to your arm?” Konekomaru asks after a few minutes of quiet.

Renzou is surprised at the question, but his attention is too invested into the cats to be upset. “I thought you said you heard what happened?” he wonders out loud.

“Ah, that… I heard you guys got into a fight. I didn’t know you got hurt,” Konekomaru explains.

“Fair enough,” Renzou says, scratching Miss Marshmallow behind the ear, “It was stupid Kin-nii. As usual. He saw me return and had the genius idea to pin me down and put me in an arm lock,” Renzou sighs, “I’m not sure how, but he ended up pulling too hard and… here we are.”

“Did you go to a doctor yet?” Konekomaru asks. “Does it still hurt?”

“No, I didn’t...” Renzou says weakly. He’d been a little too upset to go get medical help. “And yeah, it does a little. Mostly if I try to move it.” He’s lying there. It hurts _a lot_ even when he doesn’t move it.

“I hope it’s not broken,” Konekomaru says softly.

Renzou chuckles darkly at that, though Konekomaru isn’t sure why. Then he goes on to say, “Juu-nii thinks it’s dislocated. So I guess it’s not that bad.”

“I see,” Konekomaru replies, unsure what else to say, “it sucks either way, but I’m glad it’s not as bad as it could be.”

There’s a moment of silence again, but it’s heavier this time. Darker. Renzou’s expression as he ruffles the cat is no longer serene, but rather… stormy.

Knowing that it might not end well, Konekomaru says, “You know, I’ll listen if you want to talk about it.” Renzou’s hand stills, no - his whole form freezes up. Konekomaru deflates a little - it seems like a ‘no’. The boy remembers their conversation earlier today… about how Renzou’s not supposed to talk about the training that’s at the center of this whole mess. Konekomaru loathes these secrets they’ve started keeping. Things were easier when they were kids.

“It’s okay if you don’t want to, though,” he says evenly, ignoring how the words sting.

Renzou remains quiet, but his brows are furrowed now. Thinking hard about something.

“I want to, but...” Renzou starts. He bites his lip. Looks around, as if there is someone there that could be listening. Konekomaru waits patiently for him to make up his mind.

“Ah, to hell with it,” Renzou says finally, and then the levee breaks. 

He tells Konekomaru everything. Or, well, a version of everything. A neutered retelling that skips some of his thoughts that would make Konekomaru upset. 

He talks about Takezou and how his family want him to be a replica of said dead brother. He doesn’t talk about how much he resents his family and the rest of the Myou Dha. He talks about the training and how tiring it is. He doesn’t talk about how nasty Yamantaka is or how he wants to leave forever. It’s a fragile balance of truths admitted and truths omitted.

And when Renzou slows down once in a while, thinking over his next words carefully, Konekomaru mistakes it for nerves or overwhelming emotions and talks too, about his own problems and his fear of not being good enough. In their own little world, they somehow go from sitting to lying down, still surrounded by the occasionally purring cats.

Sure, at some point Renzou ends up tearing up again (and he thinks he hears Konekomaru sniffle at some point as well), but it feels good to get some stuff off his chest, to share the burdens that have been weighing him down so horribly. He doesn’t feel bothered when Konekomaru admits that he can’t help in any way other than offer an ear or a shoulder to lean on. Maybe that’s enough. It’s definitely more than he’s used to. And it’s all that he can give in return.

The sky is tinted pink by the time that they’re done talking. They’ve run out of secrets to admit (or secrets they _can_ admit), run out of things to say. Just lying leisurely on the porch with the cats dozing off next to or on top of them.

“I don’t want to go back,” Renzou says in a tired, empty voice. Sure, he feels leagues better than he did before, but… if he were to go back home now, he knows that this fragile peace of mind would shatter.

“How about a sleepover?” Konekomaru asks. When Renzou turns his head to look at the other boy, he has his fingers wound in one of that cats’ fur and a dreamy expression on his face.

“That sounds really nice,” Renzou responds, blinking lazily.

The boys get up slowly, readying for the trek back home. It’s a quiet affair, tinged in pink and gold light. The shadows they cast are long and dramatic, and beautiful.

As they get near the building where Konekomaru stays with his grandmother, the boy stops.

“Wait, Shima-san, we should have someone look at your arm first,” he says, soft but stern.

Renzou doesn’t really have the strength to argue. The dull, thumping ache is not fun. He probably won’t be able to sleep with it as it is now… and truth be told, it’s been hurting more and more as the time passes, and the fingers on his bad hand feel sort of numb. He doesn’t tell Konekomaru this. He just hopes they won’t run into any of his family on the way - their resident doctor lives on the other side of the complex.

They’re in luck, thankfully. They don’t run into any of the Shimas. They don’t run into anyone. 

The resident doctor scolds Renzou for not coming to see him immediately, which is only expected and quite fair. 

Getting the shoulder set is a whole ordeal. The doctor has him move his joints, tests if he can feel touch, asks a whole bunch of questions. All the while Renzou’s trepidation grows. ‘It’s going to hurt,’ he worries, ‘it’s going to hurt so much.’ Konekomaru looks anxious too, hovering just far enough away to not bother the doctor.

“I’ll give you something for the pain now, alright?”

Renzou blinks in surprise. Of course. This isn’t, like, a mission injury where they have no supplies. Of course they can medicate for pain. He feels himself flush, because he’d assumed- he nods wordlessly in assent. His cheeks are red hot.

There’s the sharp smell of disinfectant and a cool feeling on his skin as the doctor cleans the skin. Renzou looks away with his good hand fisted in the sheets of the bed as the doctor injects the- whatever it is. It’s a few quick pricks. He lets out a breath he didn’t notice holding when it’s over.

“It should start working in a few minutes, and we’ll set your arm back then, alright? I’ll go get everything we’ll need, talk to your friend in the meantime,” the doctor says before moving away to the other - probably supply - room.

“Seems you’re in good hands,” Konekomaru says.

“I guess...” Renzou agrees half-heartedly. He hates hospitals and infirmaries. He hates the chemical smell that lingers everywhere, the stark cleanliness. He distrusts the placid, professional personas of the staff - they feel like an act and he _hates_ knowing that people are acting. It sets something inside him off like a warning chime. He knows that he should trust the doctors and nurses, that they’re professionals, and yet… he simply can’t.

They wait for the rest of the time, a little awkwardly. A little anxiously. The pain in his shoulder does lessen significantly, though it doesn't go away fully. And then finally, the doctor reappears, holding some sort of... strappy fabric thing.

After confirming that his shoulder is mostly anaesthetised, the doctor then goes about moving his arm like… it’s sort of a twist, except weird, and, oh- okay. It does hurt, actually. The shoulder not so much but the rest of his upper arm? A total bitch.

He feels his panic rising. Instinctually, he wants to pull away but contains that urge. Barely. His body tenses up all over, fisting the sheets with his good hand as hard as it can. 

He lets out a high-pitched whine as the arm locks up.

“Alright, I’ll stop here for a second,” the doctor says placatingly, holding the limb still firmly, “It’s your muscles spasming that makes it hurt like that. It would have been better if you’d come quicker, but it’s okay. Just let me know if it gets too bad again, alright?”

He nods stiffly, eyes squeezed shut. The pain does relent a little after a moment of stillness, and then the doctor keeps twisting and it hurts all over again- and then Renzou can both hear and _feel_ the moment the bone pops back into its socket. The blinding pain just _stops_ all of a sudden.

He chokes on a relieved, tiny noise. It’s over. Fucking hell.

Carefully, the doctor checks the arm over again - testing to see if anything is numb or still hurts, and whether any of the swelling is in a particularly dangerous place. The numbness in his fingertips stopped when the bone set, and there seems to be nothing else off.

The strappy fabric thing turns out to be the sling. He’s on strict orders to not move the arm about too much, and the doctor even tells Konekomaru to keep an eye on him. He’s sure he’ll be annoyed with that when the relief of being (practically) pain-free wears off.

“It seems you’ve gotten through this quite lucky, Renzou-kun,” the doctor remarks, rummaging around in a drawer. She pulls out a box of a medicine Renzou thinks he’s seen before. Hands a half-full blister pack to him.

“You should take one now, and then one after breakfast and dinner until they run out. Should help with the swelling and any lingering pain. Come see me again tomorrow though, to make sure we didn’t miss anything today, alright?”

He nods meekly. The doctor gives him some water to wash the medicine down with and then sends them both off.

“Well, glad that’s done with,” Renzou says breezily as they head back towards Konekomaru’s place.

“She just set it. There’s still recovery,” Konekomaru says matter-of-factly.

“Oh, c’mon,” Renzou whines, “don’t rain on my parade here! I don’t want to think about that!” Though the blister pack is practically weightless, Renzou is still over-conscious that it’s in his pocket. 

At best a few days, but at worst a week with the sling. And then, the exercises to strengthen his shoulder… the doctor explained very briefly, but… Konekomaru’s right. It’s not as simple and quick and easy as Renzou wishes it was. He pouts. Oh well, at least he can worm out of training.

“...Fine, I guess I’ll indulge you, but only because you’ve had a rough day,” Konekomaru sighs, “We’ll get something to eat and then we can read the new chapter of that manga you like.”

“Ahh~ Koneko-chan, you’re the best~” Renzou sing-songs, grabbing the shorter boy in a side-hug. Konekomaru snorts, but makes no move to free himself from the display of affection. Why, he even smiles at it!

“Glad to see you’re back to your usual self,” he says, voice thick with fond exasperation.

“You mean charming, handsome and funny?” Renzou asks, grinning.

Konekomaru laughs,“ Yeah, sure, why not?” and ignores the pouts and playful whining that gets him.

They have instant ramen for dinner, because Konekomaru's grandma already went to sleep at eight in the evening, as old people tend to do, and they don't want to wake her by making too much noise.

Renzou struggles with eating one-handed for only a little bit. (Konekomaru gives him an apron because he keeps spilling the broth all over himself. It is much appreciated.) 

Renzou is a little surprised when Ryuuji shows up just as they're putting the dishes away, but the other explains that Konekomaru texted him to come over and stay the night as well. Ryuuji doesn't bring up what happened, but Konekomaru must have filled him in somewhat because he's quite focused on distracting Renzou with small-talk.

Afterwards the three of them sit side-by-side on Konekomaru's futon, reading together. They read the new chapter of Renzou's favourite manga and then some, all the while bickering over the plot and characters.

It's a nice evening, all in all. They have to take out the extra futon from the closet and put the two together so that they can all fit. Despite protesting, Renzou ends up in the middle. (The protests are perfunctory. He likes sleeping in the middle. It's the warmest and makes him feel safe.)

He'd feared that sleep wouldn't come, that the thoughts and nasty feelings from before would come back, but Renzou is out within minutes, cozy under the thick, soft blanket.

\--

Morning isn't as fun as the evening. He blinks awake blearily to find Ryuuji and Konekomaru had already risen. Which isn't unusual - while he can rise early, he prefers to sleep in if he has the option and they just... don't. The smell of food drifts through the house, and though Renzou feels a bit like a dumpster fire, his stomach growls in interest.

He must've rolled onto his bad side sometime in the night with how much it throbs now. He gently wiggles his arm at the elbow and wrist the way the doctor asked him to yesterday- to see if he’s fucked it up again, but it seems fine, just sore.

After getting dressed - a long and arduous process currently - Renzou stumbles into the kitchen where the other two boys are helping Konekomaru's grandmother with breakfast. He's put in charge of setting the table.

They have rice with tamagoyaki and some pickled white radish. Renzou loves her pickled vegetables, they always seem crunchier and just… better than the ones his mom makes. He makes sure to tell her as such, to her delight.

They all help clean up and then Konekomaru's grandmother goes to tend to the garden, leaving the boys to their own devices. 

They're debating which board game to play when there's a knock on the door.

A little stupefied at the fact that someone is visiting, Konekomaru goes to check who it is.

"It's Kinzou-san," he says, peeking into the room after a moment, "he said he knows you're here and wants to talk to you, Shima-san." He looks apologetic as he says this.

"I don't want to talk to _him_ ," Renzou huffs with a pout.

"I know," Konekomaru says, "but he said he absolutely won't leave until you talk to him."

The boys all sigh at that. Kinzou is infamously stubborn. He would just sit outside for the whole day or knock on the doors until Renzou gave in and talked to him. Out-stubborning him is a battle no one in their right mind would pick.

"I guess I have no choice then," Renzou notes with a grimace. He does not want to see Kinzou right now. But then, when does what he wants ever really matter?

He goes to the front door where Kinzou waits, but he drags his feet and walks really slowly for the short distance to the door as a consolation to himself.

“Renzou!” Kinzou starts the second the boy comes into view. He stands incredibly upright and rigid… which means he’s totally wound up about something. Oh hell, he better not be here to tell Renzou that he’s in trouble with father, he just couldn’t take that two days in a row.

Against all better judgement and his own desires, Renzou asks weakly, “What is it?”

Kinzou drops to his knees and bows. A tiny part of Renzou cringes at how hard his brother’s knees hit the ground, but a slightly larger part is… surprised?

“I am sorry!” Kinzou exclaims, still bowing deeply, “My actions yesterday were foolish and overdone! You were hurt because of my incompetence, and I take full responsibility for it!”

Renzou finds himself embarrassed at the earnest and extremely _loud_ tone. It feels good to actually get an apology, but trust Kinzou to make it weird…

“I swear to be more careful and not hurt you like this again!” He doesn’t swear to stop drop-kicking and tackling him though. Go figure.

“You may punish me for this transgression!” Kinzou says, suddenly sitting up and pulling his arms out of his kimono, letting the fabric dangle where it’s kept in place by the straps of his hakama.

“Break my arms as I broke yours!” Kinzou yells, face full of fire. He holds his arms out with a determined huff. When Renzou doesn’t immediately move to break his arms, he slaps at them, as if urging. “C’mon, man!”

Renzou is so embarrassed by him. How the hell are they even related?

“My arm isn’t broken, Kin-nii,” he says, matter of factly.

Kinzou pauses in his theatrics briefly, seeming confused. “Wait then what’s the whole fuss about? Why d’you have that- uhh whatever it’s called” he points at the sling.

“You dislocated my shoulder,” Renzou says. He is very tired despite having had a great night’s rest.

“Ohh, I see!” Kinzou nods, as if that sentence explains some sort of secret he’d been puzzling at. “Well then, Renzou!” aannnd he's back to dramatic and full of determined energy, “Dislocate my shoulder as punishment!”

Renzou rubs a palm over his face with a groan. Is Kinzou really older than him? “I will not do that.”

Kinzou lowers his arms to his knees and eyes Renzou angrily, “Then what do you want? I have to make this right, you know! Father and Juuzou are hella pissed off with me!”

“Did they tell me that I should break your arm, or dislocate it, as punishment? Or did they just tell you to apologise?” Renzou asks dubiously, though he’s pretty sure he knows the answer.

Kinzou scratches his neck a little self-consciously, “They just told me to apologise but like- that’s so not my style! A real man has to pay for his mistakes with his body!”

Renzou cringes visibly this time, “I don’t think you realise how bad that sounds. Please just go away.”

“No! You have to punish me or it won’t feel right!” Kinzou retorts petulantly, “Seriously, Renzou! I have to make it right!”

“You know what, Kin-nii? I won’t punish you, and there’s nothing you can do about it,” Renzou says coolly.

“Hey, c’mon you brat!” Kinzou protests.

Renzou sticks out his tongue at him, “You’ll just have to live with the consequences of your actions _and_ your guilt. How’s that for a punishment?”

“That doesn’t even make sense!” Kinzou says, brows furrowed.

“It would if you knew how to use that thing in your skull called a brain,” Renzou says with a laugh.

"Hey! Don't be so snarky with me!"

"Then don't be so stupid and embarrassing. C'mon, cover up, will you?" Renzou half-pleads.

Reluctantly, Kinzou puts his arms back into the sleeves of his kimono, though it's irreparably loosened and most of his chest is still visible. He'll have to re-do the whole thing later.

"I still think you should punish me, y’know, let all that inner turmoil out. I know you want to," Kinzou says in a deceptively calm voice when he's done fiddling with the fastenings.

"Yeah, no," Renzou says, "just run along and tell them you apologised and I'm fine. No. Scratch that. I am in pain and won't be able to do strenuous activities for the foreseeable future. Such a pity, that."

Kinzou looks at him with narrowed eyes, "I hate that I can't tell whether you're serious or not," yeah that's not the only thing he can't tell, "but sure, I guess."

He jogs off, presumably back to the house of Shima, but when Renzou is at the doorway he hears Kinzou run back.

"Do you accept my apology?" he shouts.

Renzou turns to look at him. He’d almost forgotten that that was supposed to be an apology with how weird the execution was.

Half of him doesn't want to accept it, is still pissed off and indignant. Something inside him bubbles and hisses darkly. The pain in his shoulder throbs hotly. His face is blank for a moment before he smiles lazily.

"Yeah, I do!" he chirps back.

**Author's Note:**

> And that's that on that. A lot of questions remain unanswered, like what happens with Yaozou and Juuzou... but I was not up for writing that lmao :,)
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this, reader!


End file.
